August; 8; infinity. Although we are a little past half of the year, this month’s Full Moon in Aquarius and partial Lunar Eclipse has come in to remind us about the inevitable—change. If you are anything like me, you have been ticking off your “doable” goals, and consciously / unconsciously moving the more complex goals for “later”. This month’s Full Moon and Lunar Eclipse are a literal friendly (dique) jab in the face type of reminder to do the stuff we've set out to do at the beginning of the year, or maybe even last year. Lunar Eclipses are the most helpful to me because they bring out our "shadow" selves. Most of us have a difficult time acknowledging the side of ourselves we don't like the world to see; however, it is useful in allowing us to reach our full potential, and Lunar Eclipses help these sides of us come to the surface a bit easier. Eclipses aren’t irregular—they come around four to six times a year, and shake things up…for the best—even when it hurts or feels uncomfortable. What makes this Eclipse special is that it's paired up with a Full Moon--usually a time that is especially potent for us to get rid of that which no longer serves us. This month's Full Moon is in Aquarius, and it reminds us that what we release at this time will not only be for the better good of self but for all of us. Those of us who believe in the power of the Cosmos, the Universe, and do I dare say GOD? :) do rituals to release negativity, baggage, and/ or anything that no longer serves our highest good.
My full moon lunar eclipse ritual should’ve been completed by now. I envisioned my ritual yesterday, August 6th, 2017—as my plane touched down last night. I set the following plans for the 7th: spend time with my family at home and do the ritual with my sister. But sometimes our plans don’t work out. And thats ok, the moon is flexible—her energy sticks around for about 3 days after the full or new moon process has initiated. Plus, I stood up all night cleaning out my closet and chest drawers. I picked out and folded all the clothes I plan to take with me to the new stage i'm going to enter in San Francisco. I wish I could just start a new wardrobe along with this new chapter, but I don’t have it like that. Still I felt a need to clean out, to get rid of items that have been sitting for months, years. So I did. Maybe that was part of my ritual.
I intended the ritual to be last night, the 7th, but I have been restless. Mostly because I am resisting some of the things I know I have to let go. So I decided to write this post and list everything that has come up for me.
I release all friendships that no longer bring me what my higher self wants and needs. It seems I can no longer stand by people who make decisions that sabotage them and lead them into vicious cycles. I know the mantra for many of us is, “drink water and mind your business.” But how can you when people you care are drowning? It’s painful, but one cannot force anyone to save themselves and one definitely can't do it for them. I don’t know, but lately I have been drained by people who speak on their problems but seldom look for a way out or at the very least a way to alleviate. I have been working to suppress these feelings, to avoid admitting that I feel this way. As I write this, I feel like a living contradiction because I know what it’s like to live with depression and anxiety and what its like to go back to an abusive partner; it’s fucked up to think that someone in any of those dark holes can bring themselves out with wishful thinking. But actions matter, what you say to yourself matters- they're beliefs that have saved my life, and one's I won't abandon . I am highly sensitive to the folks I let into my circle, and I empathize deeply, but it’s becoming overwhelmingly difficult for me to empathize with people who go on everlasting trips to the dark parts within them with no blueprint or mere care to come out. The women in my life who I admire the most laugh loudly, tell jokes that bring back life to any dead thing, and root for themselves above all else. Yes, they hurt, yes, they fail, but they recognize their position in the outcome of whatever situation they find themselves in. It’s the loveliest to watch my homegirls sparkle in their imperfections; beat their face even when the world beats them and look like goddesses, and dress to impress when they’re just trying to adorn their bodies for themselves. At the end of the day, they might fold and break under pressure, but their putting back together is so gracious. In the act, they fill themselves and fill me. I see myself in them. Shit isn’t peachy and rainbows on this side, the mujeres who fill me aren’t unicorns—they get depressed, they have break downs, they struggle to find days off, they’ve made it through traumatic childhoods, but they show up for themselves every single day. I want to be around women who take breaths like they’re grateful for it.
It’s become overwhelmingly difficult to believe any of them…it doesn’t matter. I am letting go of all hurtful, hateful, betraying, disappointing, embarrassing, inconvenient, negative interactions I have had with men that have come into my path. Allowing these interactions to take up more time than they have to in my thoughts is a waste. I will acknowledge them fully once more today, but only to learn the root of the pain, only to pull out the root and set it in the sun to dry and wither into dust that will be transformed into nourishment for what’s to come. Then I will resist the thoughts—clear and delete. I will replace what I don’t want in male companions and members in my life with what I do want. I will focus on the love a handful of men in my life who have bought joy and respect to my family and I. I will sit with that.
I release the thought that my body is imperfect. My body is perfect for me--it is a strong and worthy vessel. I accept that my body type has been passed down by my ancestors. My body is my garden, a forest, a thing of my own--I plant what I want, and I will give it good and pure nourishment. I will care for it more, but not for body image for health ‘cause at the end of the day…the more mass the more magic :)
I release shame surrounding the sexual hunger I had, have, and will continue to have. I release shame and hate surrounding acts and thoughts surrounding my sexuality. My womb is the center of my creation, I will praise and love my Yoni.
I release resentment. It costs me more than it pays me. No use in doing extra emotional labour.
I release all thoughts that I am not a good enough educator for the students that I serve. I release all thoughts and ideas that speak to the teaching being a worthless profession. True educators mold minds; I am molding the future the world needs because the Universe is acting through my students and I. Teaching is one of the world's most important professions that is why I was guided here. I have proof I am effective—students, colleagues, and results have told me so.
I let go of survivor's guilt; I release all the guilt that surrounds me when I enjoy the fruits of my labor and think about all the shittiness of the world and who it is directly affecting. I did not sell out to get here—I have had to fight the status quo every step of the way while realizing that my individual fight is a spec in the reality of the system at larger. Nevertheless, I have survived and continue to fight. I worked hard for what I have today—for the things I give myself—I shall enjoy them.
I release the imposter syndrome; the idea that I am not worthy to be where I am at whatever time I find myself there. I have proven to myself that I can get into whatever doors I pick regardless of my socioeconomic background, statistics about the place I grew up in, and hateful beliefs. I am enough to do what I do, to reach and sit in my definition of success. I am enough to tell my story and to aim higher. I am enough to dabble and thrive in whatever makes me happy at whatever time. I am here--nobody is going to find out anything when everything I am is staring them in the face; I am my truth.
Writing it all out helps; making lists helps organize. It's part of the ritual shared by my friend Mel, and one I will share with my sister tomorrow when we go to the park and do another ritual together. While normally your list is supposed to be burned, deleted, or thrown away, I will keep this up as a reminder. Also, we get to release in whatever way feels best. Putting this up here and letting go feels good now.
-LA (***not a guru--just a doer)